Holding On and Letting Go

There was a time when she would cling tightly to my hand. There’s a big scary world out there for her to conquer, and Mummy’s hand offered her that extra comfort she neede. Then she takes a step, and another, and yet another. And I start moving my hand away, further and further, till I’ve fully let go, and she’s on her own. Flying solo.

It was with much pride and yet some wistfulness that I watched her take her first steps across the balance beam on her own last week. It was just all I could manage to whip out my phone and grab a shaky image of her, arms outstretched, stepping slowly away from me. She’d wobble and I’d stretch out my hands at once, ready to catch her if she should fall. She doesn’t this time, and when she makes it across successfully, you can see it on her face. That sense of accomplishment in her smug little smile.

It struck me as I was looking at this photo that this experience at the balance beam is something I will be re-living, over and over, as both the kids grow. They will learn and attempt new things, holding my hand, with me guiding them and holding them steady. Then slowly they will stretch out their arms, and step by step, they will take flight.

I feel this more acutely with Meips, who, unlike Noey, needs very little nudging to be independent. In her eagerness not to be labelled a baby and to be recognised for the “big girl” that she is, she often cannot wait to throw my hand off and do things on her own. I tell her not to, warn her that she’s not ready, and when she forges ahead anyway, wait with hands ever ready to pick her up after she falls. I could catch her, but I know sometimes she needs to fall, to learn her limits. 

And so it will be with life.

Will I know when to let go? Sometimes I’m not sure the protective mother in me knows how. I just want to hold on and do everything for them to make sure everything is alright. But I know I cannot. They need to find their own feet and achieve for themselves that sense of accomplishment that comes from having tried and succeeded. They need to earn that right to that smug smile. And I can only do what I know I’ll always be there to do: pick them up when they fall, kiss their boo-boos, and set them straight on their own path again.

That’s how it is in our relationship with God too, isn’t it? It is my prayer that He would grant me and DD the discernment to know when to hold on and when to let go, and that He will guide the paths of our little ones as they make their journey through life. Our work would be to nurture, teach, and yes, train, but I take comfort in the fact that the Lord is the one who leads, and he will walk beside them always.