Sometimes I look at my little son (and think about my other little one on the way) and wonder: what will our relationship be like when they grow older? When Mummy is no longer the centre of their universe? When they have their own lives to lead, their friends and later on, their own families? What do I want it to be like?
I have a funny relationship with my mother. I think you can call it a love-hate relationship. I think it stems from the fact that she and I are really alike in temperament (much as I would like to deny it), but with some really fundamental differences in certain values. My mum yesterday said that I’m ang mo pai — I care only about my own immediate family and not my extended family. It hurt, cos I do think I care about my parents and my siblings quite a bit, though yes, I guess I do put my own family first in some respects, but mainly because I feel more responsible for them — DD, Noey and Baby #2.
I think one of my failings is that I apply the same standard to myself as I do to my folks. I really don’t mind if you forget my birthday or not get me a present. I might be very slightly disappointed, but I certainly wouldn’t hold it against you. I don’t need coddling. I like being independent. I find my own way and I don’t expect my parents to bail me out. I am casual with what I say cos I think hey, it’s family after all, and if I’m not free to speak my mind with them then who would I be free to do so with? I don’t expect much from you, so I don’t expect you to want much from me.
Unfortunately, my mum really really expects more from me and and would not mind if I expected more in return. To her, I’m inconsiderate. As a result, every once in a while I get these talks where different instances of my failings are pointed out and I get asked to change. The thing is, I’m not sure how much I can really change. It doesn’t help that my dear husband is even more independent-minded than I am, and my dear sister, who is the thoughtful one in the family, is soon to be married to a guy who is even more thoughtful and 自动 than she is. Arrrrgh. Watch me die a slow and painful death after the wedding…
But one thing’s for sure — I will have to TRY HARDER to match up to expectations. I have to. Honestly my instinct and my preferred course of action is just to take on everything on my own and not rely on my family for anything, just so as that I can free myself from all expectations. I dream of flying off and forging another life in another country (with DD and Noey of course). I’m sure I can manage weekly calls, sending cards/presents, hosting the occasional visit. But it wouldn’t be right to cut myself off like that either, and I know it. So it’s back to trying harder, with God’s grace.
But anyway.
There is lots to ponder in this as well, from the perspective of being a mother myself — questions of what kind of person I want Noey to be when he grows up, and also, what my expectations of him will be when we are both adults. I pray that as we both grow, we will find our way. I don’t want to be a burden — I know I want him to walk free, and I pray I will be strong enough to let him do that.
my dad thinks i’m inconsiderate and take things for granted when it comes to the family. there must be some truth in it, but i felt hurt and accused when he told me that!
That explains your tweet yesterday about DD’s Masters 😉
I hear you about expectations. I struggled with it for a long LONGGGG time (more my dad than my mom but I get what you mean) and sometimes, I still think the expectations will never go away.
Hugs. It’s not easy, I know!
Hugs. I totally understand, V! You know!
It’s lagi worse when you are the only child and they are kinda counting on you for partial financial support, not to mention emotional support which I’m really lousy at giving.
My rlp with my mum was a zillion times better when I was overseas studying and a zillion times worse when i was sahm. Now it’s a tightrope sort of in between. Gotta keep praying to change my own heart.
Thanks for sharing. I think most of us are in the same boat, one way or the other.
And we have to manage expectations from both sides of the family. 🙂
This leads me to think how my expectations are as well, for Nat.
*hugs*
thanks for sharing. i was just telling PF about my problems with the family too. sigh..family – can't help loving and hating them sometimes!
Hi! Just someone who has been reading your blog silently.<br /><br />I have the same relationship with my mother – she expects me to be a lot more than what I am inclined to be. Sometimes I feel that the scales are not tipped evenly because I harbour no such expectation from her. It makes me frustrated because I am an independent and deeply private person by nature. Meanwhile, my in-laws are
hey everyone, thanks so much for sharing too. i wrote this to unburden myself, not expecting anyone to comment! even though i know everyone probably struggles with expectations in some form, it helps actually hearing from you.
corsage :: yes i do! hugs back!
sue :: it always hurts, even if there is an element of truth. i guess it makes me think about how i should convey the same message, if i had to.
peifen :: i’m sure your dad’s expectations must be pretty hard to meet! it’s so great that you have such a good relationship with your mum really. i hope to have that with my kids in future.
lyndis :: my relationship with my mum was so good when i was overseas for that 1 year, but became extra bad when i came home cos i got used to all that independence. well at least as an only child you don’t have a sibling who makes you look extra bad. hah. but i completely understand! the whole financial support thing (which i do provide parents on both sides too) is yet another can of worms.
lilsnooze :: thanks. yes, i hope i will not be a terror parent! hah.
candice :: guess we just can’t live with or without them! i imagine it might be trickier for you since you live with your folks.
yAnn :: hi, thanks for dropping a note. i guess all of us struggle to find that balance. take care and god bless!
Hi babes, hang in there. U are strong and loving so will always do right by everyone as far as u can I know. I leaving the country ain’t all it’s cracked up to b either I think in the long term!
Daphne :: Hah, I guess you would know about relocating! Thanks dear. I will hang in there!