Gor-Gor Noey

One of the biggest questions — and worries — on our minds prior to Naomi’s arrival was how Noey was going to take to her. As I’ve previously mentioned, he had never seemed too enthusiastic and could be counted on to make some uncomplimentary remark once in a while.

We had confidence however that once Naomi was with us, Noey would be fond of her, given his generally loving nature. And I’m glad that our faith in our little son does not appear to have been misplaced.

“That’s my Mei-Mei and she’s name is Day-O-Mi!” he would declare, proudly, when we ask him to introduce his sister. It never fails to make me smile when I hear that.

And when we let him hold his Mei-Mei for the first time, he was so so pleased.

Since we’ve come home, he’s gamely taken on his promotion to big brother and would refer to himself as “Gor-Gor Noey” rather than just “Noey”. (He still likes to refer to himself in third person.) “Mei-Mei, look at Gor-Gor Noey”, he said the other morning, as he tried to show her how to use the potty instead of a diaper.

That’s not to say that he hasn’t been jealous at all. He has. Once in a while, he would still say things like “Noey’s a dragon and he will burn Mei-Mei.” We figured this happens when he feels threatened, which is natural. So we don’t make a fuss of it but simply tell him that he wouldn’t want to do that, or that it isn’t nice, and move right along to talking/doing something else. And he’s been ok with it.

Again, it’s only been a week, so it’s early days yet. But everything else he’s been doing, including the enthusiastic manner he greets his sister and the many times he tries to kiss her tells me that he’s actually fond of his Mei-Mei so I think we’re on the right track.

I think how each child interacts and receives a new sibling is very dependent on their personalities, but here are some of the things we did/are doing to help Noey with the new addition to the family.

One thing that we did NOT do, despite it being the done thing these days, was to get Noey a present and say it was from his Mei-Mei. Both DD and I separately concluded that such a gesture would do nothing to help Noey like his sister better. I really didn’t think he cared who the gift was from, and I personally don’t like the idea of bribing him. (I try to avoid using bribes at all when disciplining him, though the grandparents are ALWAYS doing it.) Both DD and I also don’t like lying to him, and telling him that Mei-Mei arrived in this world bearing gifts for him just didn’t feel right to us.

On hindsight, I think I might have considered giving Noey a “congratulations on your promotion to Gor-Gor” present, from us as his parents, because, well, it is a nice thing to celebrate. This occurred to me a bit late so that was that.

In any case, I think it is more important is to let him feel involved and that he is just as important to us as he used to be before Mei-Mei came into the picture. So what we’ve tried to do is:

1. Encourage Noey to see his promotion to big boy/Gor-Gor status as a good thing by emphasising how he would, as Gor-Gor, be able to teach Mei-Mei things. We started telling him this during my pregnancy.
2. When we first introduced Naomi to Noey in the hospital, we made sure that she was lying in her own bassinet and was not being carried or fed by Mummy. I had read this in a book and it seemed like good advice to me, to ensure that his first meeting with Mei-Mei was non-threatening.
3. Try hard to avoid making Mei-Mei the reason why Mummy can’t do things with him. Much the same way how when I was pregnant, I always told him I couldn’t carry him because it was painful or tiring for me, and not because I was carrying Mei-Mei instead. It’s not always possible and sometimes I have to explain to him that Mei-Mei needs my attention, but I figured doing it occasionally instead of repeatedly would be easier for him to accept.
4. Allow Noey to interact as much as he likes with Naomi, without pushing him to do more than he wants to, or pushing him away. In this regard, we’ve had to instruct the grandparents and our helper that it is ok for Noey to “manhandle” Naomi, with supervision. They tended to try to pull him away because he can be a bit rough but it was obvious that it was only because he was so excited. We remind him to be gentle and not poke her eyes out or scream in her ears, but otherwise, we let him get as close to her as he wants to, within reason.
5. Involve Noey in some of the activities surrounding Naomi, like getting him to also put some powder on her during a change, or teaching him to tell her not to cry “because Gor-Gor Noey’s here” when she does.
6. Give Noey ownership and affinity to Mei-Mei by referring to her as “Noey’s Mei-Mei” (hence all the “MY Mei-Mei” declarations he’s been making). Seeing how possessive kids can be, I feel this has actually really helped Noey feel like Mei-Mei is an addition to his world.

This evening when Noey stroked Naomi’s head as I was feeding her and told us “Noey is sayang-ing Mei-Mei. Make sure Mei-Mei won’t cry. Because Noey is a Gor-Gor!”, I felt SO proud of him.

He might make a good Gor-Gor yet.